I can't even begin to say how much I already miss you. I know we didn't hang out much outside of work, but you were a light in the dark when we would work together. Getting a hug from you every time I saw you was always the highlight of my shift because you were always so happy to be there.
I always had a smile from you, and for you, because of your exuberance. And, you were always so happy about everything. School. Life. Even, funny enough, about saying you dislike cats because they scratch.
I thought about texting you this past weekend, not knowing that you were actually in the process of fighting for your life. And I so wish I had. If for no other reason than to get a response from your parents and learn about you struggling....
I just can't believe that you are gone from us and I now must refer to you in the past tense instead of the present....You knew I am not religious, but in regards to your passing, I like to think that you are at least better off not being in pain and suffering. That, just maybe, while cruel and nasty and horrible, the infection did you a favor because lupus can be unbearable, especially at such a young age....
I can't walk into the kitchen at work without thinking of you grabbing the food and condiments for customers and bringing it to their table; being polite and as sweet as can be. I can't sit without thinking that you shouldn't have died; that you were too young. You weren't even 18 yet..... My little brother is older than that..... And, that you should be coming back to Partner's to help over the summer instead of being dead.
You were so excited about being a server one day. I remember the time you got a table while cashiering and said it was “practice for being a server”... You were so excited about it..... Flitting back and forth like a little bumble bee.... I got a kick out of it because you were just so peppy and happy about it.
I also think back to Halloween when we all got dressed up at work. Everyone digging though Ariel's theater costumes, except me since I was already dressed up, and being excited about being allowed to not be in our work shirts for one day out of the year..... You had grabbed a pink flower lei and put your hair up using that as a headband... Then you had on purple fairy wings and a black dress to be the Partners make-shift Hawaiian fairy princess for the night.... But you were going to be an elf first.... (The pants didn't fit though).
Kathy told me on Wednesday when I got into work about you passing away. “Did you know Johnae died?” I didn't.... but I know exactly the faces I made when I found out. Puzzled because I didn't know you had been that sick.... I thought it had to be someone else. There was no way. “Little Johnae? OUR Johnae?” Yes.... it was you.....
My face shifted from puzzled to horror. Then to pain. And I cried... And, I have been crying on and off since I found out. You dying from this in particular is really difficult for me because my father almost passed away in a similar fashion this past summer.... They were also not sure if he might have lupus on top of his arthritis.....
So, I am having a very difficult time believing that you are gone. And, that none of us will ever see your shining face again. Or ever get hugs from you when we see that smile....
I can't even begin to imagine how much pain your family is in. They lost a beautiful young woman. You were truly beautiful in every way, sweetheart. Your parents did a great job raising you. And I wish them the best in these trying times.... No parent should ever have to lay their child to rest. It isn't “natural”. Parents are the ones who are “supposed” to die first. Not the other way around..... I am so sorry for their loss. I truly can't comprehend how much pain they must be in.
I miss you Johnae. You left a mark on all the hearts of people you knew. I know I won't forget you any time soon, nor will I forget how wonderful you were as a person or how compassionate you could be.
Love and miss you very much,
Lyssa Beck
Thank you to whoever made the collage for Mr. Knight (I grabbed it from his public Facebook posts) and Blaze on Youtube for making the beautiful video. I am sure her family appreciates it.
